"He Wants Us to Be Happy" and Other Lessons I Learned Along the Parenting Path

“What in the world is stuck in your eyebrow? I’m hoping that’s smashed banana because the alternative is way grosser...”

“Oh no, I bet I don’t want to know what this is on the wall. And I just cleaned the handrails and yet now I’m sticking to them.”

“Please get clothes ready before you get undressed in the bathroom so that you don’t have to streak down the hall – what if a visitor was here?”

     The script for parenting doesn’t exist but the adlibbing that goes on is often entertaining, sometimes exasperating, occasionally disgusting, and always comes with twists and turns that would challenge even the surprise endings of an M. Night Shyamalan movie (I’m thinking of his early stuff like The Sixth Sense…)

     Being a parent has taught me things that I wasn’t prepared to learn. It has taught me things I wish I could unlearn (oh the bodily fluids I wish I could erase from my memory…) and it has taught me things I’m not sure I could have ever learned in another way.

     Most importantly parenting has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. There is nowhere to learn more quickly about God’s unconditional love than as a parent. My kids can do things to scare me, disappoint me, anger me, and break my heart, but they cannot do anything to make me stop loving them. It’s nowhere near the truly unconditional love that our Heavenly Father has for us but it is the best glimpse that we can have.

     In the less-than-perfect moments that come far too often in our crazy home, I find that Heavenly Father may have had more than just unconditional love to teach us through our experience as parents.

    The other day I was sitting at the bench by our kitchen table and my one-year-old decided that he wanted to venture under that bench and then attempt to sit up, and then he bonked his head. I comforted him and then sent him off to another spot while I tried to finish what I was doing. He came back. And proceeded to do the exact same thing again. He crawled under and bonked his head when he tried to sit up. A few kisses, a few distracting toys and a room relocation (for him) later, I tried to again finish my task at the table (I think it might have just been trying to eat lunch after everyone else was finished). Sure enough the little dude was back in record time, attempting to again navigate the limited space under the kitchen bench and still, when he sat up, he hit his head. I finally looked at this stubborn little cherub and said, “Why do you keep doing the same thing over and over again and getting hurt?! “Buddy, you keep bumping your head, you don’t fit under there. I don’t want you to get hurt any more! Stop trying to go under the bench!” I tend to talk to one-year-olds about like I talk to anyone else, in case you thought the word choice didn’t sound age appropriate. But it was after I felt exasperated by my toddler’s deviant choices that I realized this is how Heavenly Father has to have felt with me so many times. “Carissa, why do you keep making that same wrong choice over and over again? Every time you do it, you get hurt and I tell you to do something different and you keep coming back, sometimes quicker than is even comprehensible, and you get hurt again, every time. I don’t want you to get hurt! Stop doing this!”

     This same toddling man (he’s quite a rebel, or at very least, a handful) is the hardest kid to take camping because he wants to walk into the fire! Not close to, not around, he wants to walk straight into it. Think of the movie A Bug's Life here with the fly that is going toward the bug zapper and says, “I can’t help it, it’s so beautiful” – that is my little man. I spend the whole smore’s festivities trying to keep him from visiting the burn unit at the hospital. I have saved his life more times than he will ever know.

Again Heavenly Father has to have looked at me and my choices and thought, “Why are you trying to walk into the fire? There are a lot of ways to enjoy the fire without walking into it. I love you so much that I have saved you more times than you will ever know. I have saved you from so much pain, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally and have even saved you from spiritual pain. Stay away from the fire so that you can be safe.” I wonder with some of the impulsive follies of my youth how often a loving Heavenly Father, unbeknownst to me, stepped in and saved me from heading to the hospital or worse, heading to that place that is usually depicted with fire (and brimstone…whatever the heck brimstone is – I’ll probably Google it later…)

     One that occurs often at our residence right now is forgetting about other’s needs – especially the baby’s needs. That little one-year-old needs a nap every day. I need him to nap every day (remember he is the one that likes to bonk his head and walk into fires – and I haven’t even touched on his smashing-finger-in-drawers exercises or his insane need to constantly stand up in the tub). But it doesn’t matter how much I’ve stressed the importance of his naps. It doesn’t matter how many times we have had naptime at our house (this is baby #5!), it doesn’t matter that we have places you can go (like the basement or outside) where you won’t wake the baby even if you’re loud, we still have problems waking up the baby! He’s not the best napper and he’s a little bit of a light sleeper so often we have music or noise of some kind going on but he doesn’t sleep through three-year-old girl tirades of bossiness and he does not doze through banging pans or falling objects bouncing (or breaking) repeatedly off the tile on the kitchen floor and surprisingly he also doesn’t sleep well through the sound of slamming doors! Don’t these people care about their younger brother?! Don’t they care about my sanity – naptime is the most productive time of my day – I need it like I need water or air or chocolate. And yet, just today, we woke up the baby. 

     And with the ruined nap fresh in my mind it’s easy for me to imagine Heavenly Father looking down at me and thinking of all the times that instead of putting others’ needs first, I did what I wanted to do without any thought of how those choices would affect those around me. How many times have I forgotten to take care of those younger or weaker than me? He has to have noticed that often I am loud in my anger and don’t seem to care who it hurts. If God were capable of being frazzled then I would have been in the mix of those to frazzle him.

     Then there are my older kids at dinner. Prior to the eating of the dinner, I’ve spent time trying to come up with a variety of foods that might appeal to them, taking into account prices, healthy choices, taste preferences, time to cook etc. and then I have to shop for the ingredients and cook it and then (most of the time) I manage to have something edible set out on the table. Inevitably somebody, if not multiple bodies, make a comment about how they won’t eat it, how awful it looks, or else they just quietly look like they are dry heaving on the floor! These are not terrible children but the sight of a dinner that actually took time and thought sends them off the deep end – far away from kindness. Yes, we have discussed sacrifice, respect, gratitude, starving children, and what the pioneers did or didn’t have to eat…. We have had to make consequences for being rude and most of the comments have magically disappeared but the disappointment on the faces is still evident and all I can think is after all that I have put into this meal, is it such a big deal just to try it!? You can’t tell if you like it or not by looking at it! That is ludicrous. A crazy and unhealthy example of this pre-judging food items happened when one of my boys wouldn’t try cotton candy because he thought it looked like it wouldn’t taste good. It was after lots of coaxing and pointing out multiple times, “Come on – it has the name CANDY in it!” that he finally tried it and guess what? He liked it.

     God has to wonder sometimes with all the effort that has gone into His plan, with all the beauty in the world, with all the messages sent through prophets and scriptures, with the Holy Ghost there to testify of truth and of God, why won’t we even try it? Why won’t we try having faith? Why won’t we try to read our scriptures? Why won’t we try listening to the still small voice? Why do we look at the things of God and turn up our noses before we even give them time? And once we do have some faith, why not feast? Why nibble when the bounty is so great?

     This is a very different problem than the one I have with the previously mentioned one-year-old. My plea to him usually is “Don’t put that in your mouth!” (Some of the offending objects have been choking hazards, others include but are not limited to: a cigarette butt at a park, a cockroach and cat poop – I wish one of those was hypothetical. Oh dear, and yes there was brownish goo dripping out of the crunched cockroach when I retrieved it – sorry I had to share because I decided I shouldn’t have to be the only one eternally scarred by that image). But “Don’t put that in your mouth” has to be another thought Heavenly Father has had as he watches alcohol, drugs, and other awful things end some lives and ruin others.

     There are so many times that I’ve given direction or witnessed a behavior and had a “Heavenly Father experiences this” thought:

“No you can’t have it right now, you’re not ready for it”

“Yes I know that your brother gets to do that now because he’s older”

“You are different people and I have to discipline you differently”

“You need to take turns so that everyone gets a chance”

“Nope, pants aren’t optional”

“I’ve taught you how to do this, you’ve done it before, you should know how”

“You can’t play until after your homework is done”

“If you can just wait a little longer, it will be so worth it”

“Share”

“Turn it off”

“Pay attention”

“Listen”

“Don’t walk away when I’m trying to talk to you”

“Take out the trash!”

“Yes, you have to help clean up the mess that you’ve made”

“Stop teasing your sister”

     The lists could go on and on I’m sure. As I ponder these, I can see God and my relationship with him better. I better understand his commands and his concern for me. I’m humbled by the weaknesses that I see in myself as I parent my children. And for the record, I have fantastic children despite them having their own weaknesses.

     Those fantastic children and their example to me are another reason God gave us families. Because along with the love that we learn from having them and the lessons that we teach them that mirror some of God’s experiences with us; children testify of the reality of God through their humble teachable natures. Nothing comforts me more when I am tired and angry and sad and broken then a simple hug from a loving five-year-old. When my oldest son was knocked unconscious in a sledding accident and we thought we might lose him, nothing was sweeter than the tears of his brothers who didn’t want to lose him and nothing was more welcome then a 2-year-old who was awed by the fact that her brother got to ride in an ambulance AND a helicopter! She wasn’t concerned with the gravity of the situation, her innocence saw the only the goodness. Nothing has been more of a comfort than to see the simple faith that my children have as they go about their day.

     The other day I was down. I was particularly overwhelmed by the deceit and evil in the world. I was feeling helpless and a little worthless. I was feeling worried for the future of these sweet children I have. I was constantly holding back tears all day. It was an awful day until my now 3-year-old looked at me and said, “Heavenly Father wants us to be happy, Mom.”

     God used her to give me a message that I needed to hear in that moment. What a tender mercy from heaven and what a sweet spirit that little girl has.

     Heavenly Father wants us to be parents and have families because it’s here that we can have a piece of heaven on earth and be left yearning for more so that we will seek God and his kingdom. These children are His children and what a privilege to be able to watch over them and learn from them.

     It’s no wonder to me that the Savior said that, “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” (Matt 18:3) And that “little children do have words given unto them many times, which confound the wise and the learned.” (Alma 32:23).

     And even though there are so many eternal lessons that you can learn through being a parent, it’s also easy to miss if you’re not looking. It’s easy to go from day to day just getting through and not stopping to think of the lessons of the day. I know because I’ve done it. I’ve missed the little things before. I’ve been the parent that was taking on the role of the child that forgot to listen.

     And thankfully for each one of us Heavenly is not just any father – he is the perfect Father. He is infinitely patient so that even though he pleads with us to do what is right, he is always there for us when we do what is wrong, even if we do it over and over and over again. He sent His son because He loves us. He sent him to die for us and to be resurrected so that we all can live again. He sent His son to suffer for our sins and our pain so that we can never say, “No one knows how I feel.” He wants us to stay and listen. He gives us rules and commandments because he wants us to be happy. He doesn’t lose his temper when we stumble (like us mere human parents might). He continues to love each one of us no matter what. This doesn’t mean that he condones what we do. This doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for wrongdoing – there are. But I am convinced of what it says in Romans chapter 8 verses 38 & 39, “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

     God loves us and nothing we can do will stop that. God has a listening ear. He wants us to come to Him in our trials and in our joyful times. He wants to hear about our day, our struggles, and our triumphs. Because he is perfect and infinite our trust in him can be perfect.

     He is the model for which we should strive as parents to emulate.
     I firmly believe that the family is central to God’s plan and that there is nowhere to come closer to Him then within the walls of a loving home. I know not every home is ideal. I know that not every parent is even trying to be like Heavenly Father in how they parent. I know that some people never get a chance to marry and still others never have the opportunity to have children. I don’t know all the answers as to why this happens. I know that God loves his children. I know that different children have to learn differently. I know that sometimes things aren’t fair. I hold on to the faith that through the Atonement some day all things will be made fair. I hold on to the faith that if we just wait, there are great things in store and that in the end no blessing will be withheld from the righteous. I hold onto the belief that everyone can help to parent someone around him or her. I believe that the children on this earth rely on the goodness and faith of all the wonderful adult examples around them. And ultimately as a parent I have learned that I do not have all the answers but I rely on someone that does. And if I rely on Him, then I will have happiness and joy because “Heavenly Father wants us to be happy” – being a parent taught me that. (:

Losing Faith

          I find losing faith is an easy thing to do: if I want to try to lose faith today I can just turn on news, turn on almost any primetime show on any network, look at all the sadness on Facebook, visit the hospital, or read any internet page comment section (literally on almost any site). Through any of the aforementioned activities it can be quite easy to find myself losing faith in the goodness of humankind, losing faith in Christians who actually live what they claim to believe, losing faith in myself, losing faith that there is any intelligent life out there (that’s from those internet comment threads again – what horrible hole did these people crawl out of?), and even losing faith that there is a loving God watching over us. It’s so easy to let all of the noise everywhere, not just aid in losing faith, but eventually destroy it altogether.

            The Internet (ironically where I’m sharing this) is so good at spreading negativity, hate, and despair that Satan must love how user-friendly it is for him. The Internet is the perfect place to visit if you are looking to lose some faith today. Now, thanks to the Internet, everyone knows about every sorrow in every country the second it happens.

Now pornography is no longer just in a magazine to sneak somewhere but in anyone’s hand any day at any time. Not only that but the pornography on the Internet can now really “push the envelope” (isn’t that Hollywood speak for “ruin more lives, peddle more crap, distort love, promote violence, embrace profanity, spit on all things virtuous, profane God and his name, suck out the innocence of childhood, champion immorality, make the public think this is the new normal and do it all under the name of “art and free speech”? Yeah, it is.) Internet pornography pushes the envelope (and it already started with the envelope waaayyy off to wherever you push it) by depicting more than just naked bodies but rather violent and disturbing images of people doing things that I don’t want to mention on here. It also often exploits innocent children and even enslaved women on its pages of filth: sickeningly awful for all involved and faith-robbing for so many.

The Internet also lets everyone see when their opinions are not met with approval by those Internet commenting people (I really need to come up with a good name for them but most of the names I’m thinking of aren’t very nice, and you know what Thumper’s dad says about “If you can’t say something nice…”) but those people make their opinions known loud and clear on everything good and kind and moral thing in the world and it’s easy to want to cower rather than stand. The Internet shows us whatever news it wants us to see with the stories that it wants us to read. If I was the devil and wanted to sway a group of people to my side I would start with the people who run where everyone gets their info – get the news and the media. I don’t think all news and media are bad – heavens no, there are still some good people that work in media and occasionally good things produced by or shared through media, but I think in a broad sense most media caters and empowers everything immoral and does not generally promote godliness, virtue, morality or anything even close. And the Internet just makes media so much easier to access.

The truths and values that I embrace are mocked on every side and it’s not hard to find mocking in some part on nearly every Internet page. The Internet lets me see and hear the thoughts of my friends who have lost their faith and love to let everyone know how anti-religion and anti-God they’ve become. The Internet may be the easiest place to quickly lose our faith. Nothing seems good, nothing seems lasting, and preached everywhere is, yep you guessed it, a whole lotta nothing.

           

Losing faith is just so easy.

           

And, on the flip side, gaining faith takes effort and diligence and commitment. It takes standing when everyone else sits, it takes being unpopular, it takes pain and perseverance, it takes lots of time on your knees, it takes the kind of sincere prayer that involves heart, mind, and soul. Gaining faith takes asking hard questions and seeking hard answers until they are found. Gaining faith often takes relying on faith acquired in the past, holding onto knowledge you once had while situations test that faith and then working feverishly to push through trials and come out triumphant.

Gaining faith is not easy.

And yet it is simple and so worth it.

Gaining faith will requiring stopping and thinking. Gaining faith will require talking to God and really pouring out your heart. Gaining faith will require reading (not the Internet for heaven sakes!) but rather the scriptures and God’s word. Gaining faith will take shutting out the world by turning off all electronics and listening to the spirit and the promptings that it gives. Gaining faith will require sacrificing something that is pushing you to lose faith instead.

I’ve experienced losing faith. I know what’s it’s like to cry out to heaven and feel like there is no answer. I’ve cried over a loss or a friend’s loss. I’ve had doubt and fear and hate. I’ve even slid so far, at one point, down the path of losing faith that I didn’t know if I could say that I really believed in a loving Heavenly Father. I will tell more of my journey in future posts but I know what it’s like to let things pummel my faith until it is so weak and battered.

So today I challenge everyone to do what I am doing. I challenge everyone to gain faith today. It will be simple; unplug from the propaganda the world wants to sell you…and be still long enough to feel God’s love and act on a prompting he gives you. It may be as simple as praying for someone, it may be visiting someone, it may be calling or texting (that kind of “plugged in” is allowed), it may be something you could never have guessed without really listening. I know that acting on promptings has been the fastest and most sure way for me to gain faith. So let today, no matter where your faith is at this point, be a day for gaining faith.